So here's my theory which is actually my reality: When I face (some would say "plan") something sort of big, like a trip or a move or another kind of change, I pretty much know whether it's going to take place or it isn't just by whether or not I get excited about it. Sometimes, something doesn't happen no matter how much I plan and prepare and I know it's probably not going to come to pass because I have a flat feeling about it. I can imagine myself being in the situation and it's not all that exciting or even very pleasant and there is no reason I can see that it shouldn't be wonderful. Sometimes I even tell myself or others that I don't really want to be doing it, but can't say why. One might think, then, that I sabotage the whole venture, but, as in the case of my last didn't-happen trip that I felt unsure about, it was the weather that shut it down. I was ready to board that plane and take off, knowing that if I really went it would be a great trip, but in my head it was not feeling like a great trip, so I was not surprised at all when I got the call that the weather was too dangerous to count on.
Now you know, we can't even predict the weather, let alone control it. And that's how I've been "testing" my theory. I go along and go along as if things are going to take place, and if I feel happy and eager about it, I realize it must be the truth and it must be going to take place. If I feel blah and even reticent, I tell myself not to worry because it's probably not going to happen, no matter how many plane tickets I purchase, or how much laundry and packing I tackle, or even how much I try to talk myself into looking forward to it. Something always comes up which is not of my own doing.
Another example: I'm planning on moving into another apartment with another person, in order for us to both save some money. I look forward to it. Not especially the moving part, but even that doesn't feel as odious as it has at times in the past. I found a place that I thought had a lot of potential for a new home. Perfect location, glorious view, just right size and not a bad price, although I think we can find something less expensive and with other amenities that we would like. And even as I liked this place, enjoyed being in it talking to the owner, I had a sort of flat feeling about it. I tried to think about why I must not be excited about it, and even considering the drawbacks, I couldn't figure it out...until I reminded myself that it must just not be the place in which I am going to end up living. No real reason except that it just isn't in the cards, as they say.
And sure enough, it didn't pan out--not because I had a negative feeling about it nor because I decided against it, but because we need a place that accepts my roommate's beloved cats, and this place didn't.
If anyone has read this far in this post, you are probably ready for some pictures to save the day. So here you go.
I have been feeling so happy about this work trip (to Palmer, Willow, Talkeetna)from the moment it popped into my head that now is a good time to take it. Walking-down-the-halls-at-work-talking-to-myself happy about it. This winter has been record-breaking. Fifty-year record-breaking, I heard. It was still breaking records when I planned this road trip, but I was excited about it, cold or not, and knew from that feeling that somehow the weather and nothing else would stop me. And it hasn't. Not because I'm unstoppable nor because I'm stubborn and headstrong, but because it was just going to happen. It has been sunny and warm enough for me to go about a lot of business without even putting on a coat in an area that was 40 below a few short days ago.
So, to put it a little more succinctly, I sort of believe/think/feel/ that rather than things happening in my life because I want or encourage or work for them to, what's really going on is that I get excited about them because they are going to happen.
I don't know. It's just a theory.
And here's where I say "Goodnight,"
and dream about tomorrow.